Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hourglass Glued To the Table!

There is a line in the Anna Natlick song 2am Breathe that states " 'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button girl, So cradle your head in your hands And breathe, just breathe, Woah breathe, just breathe" What a powerful and true statement that is in the midst of a normal everyday song, and how it applies to our lives. We as Christians go through life doing our daily routine and don't ever see that hourglass stitting there on the table with the sands of time running through it each and every moment of our our lifes. We do not see the sands of time because only God truly know how much time we have and when it is our turn to die. Yet, if you could see the sand running in the hourglass would life be different or the same?

I came to learn about the sands of time and the hourglass that is glued to the table when I was a young child. It was then that I found out that my mother was ill and that she was going to die and it was going to be soon. The sands of time were passing quickly and there was not way of going back or bargining for more time for her to be here in this world with us. Her time of leaving was approaching, the sand was about gone and there is nothing that can be done other then let her go. It was then that we (my family and I) learned to breathe once again. It was when she took that last breath surrounded by those that loved her that they learned how to breathe once again. It was a peaceful passing, yet the clock, world and everything in the world stopped for the ones that were gathered around my mom when she took her last breath. I was not there, I was young and my mother did not want that to be the last memory of her that I held dear. So I was home with my brother while my dad and other members of the family were gathered to her in when she breathed her last.

I can recall the night that they took her out of the house for the last time. The night my father carried her out of the house in her pretty long nightgown, and placed her in the car for her last trip to the hospital. It was then that I knew for sure that she was dying. I knew that night, when my dad came to us to tell us that he was taking her to the hospital, that she would never return home. It was then that I learned how to breathe. It was that very night I begged him to keep her home, I was not ready for her to leave, but her pain was too great and she needed more care, so he carried her out to the car and drove away. It was then that I screamed and knew that my life was going to change forever. I sat there on the floor and told my brother that she would never return. He tried to console me and say that she would be back, she would come home. I knew that she was going to die and it would be soon. So that night I grieved for I was losing my mother now, prior to her actual death. My dad would take us to see her and I could tell she was not well, they say I started to withdraw from her, cause I knew in my heart and soul what was coming in the near future. I would love on her then sit further and further away on the bed. They did not understand, but I was letting go so I could breathe once again and not feel that deep hurt and pain that was in my soul the night he carried her out of the house. It was time to breathe and just breathe, to be in the moment and not caught in the sands of time that were  running ever so quickly. No matter what we did, said or wanted to do it would change the fact that she was there in the hospital dying, and it was going to be soon, there is no rewind button now, and we can't go back and have more time with her. It is time to breathe......

It wasn't long after her passing that we learned how to breath once again and learned that the hourglass was there on the table empty for her and there was no way of going back or filling in more sands of time. No matter how much I wanted to see her, smell her, or feel the warmth of her hugs and kisses she was gone, the sand had ran out.  It is now that I learned to breathe once again. It was during that year of school that my life changed, friends that I had since I was small seemed to disappear. Now all of a sudden they were gone.....they hardly talked to me, and I found a new circle of friends who would always be there. It is weird to think in the worst time of my life everyone disappeared. They had to know what was going on, I am sure their parents talked, since there was a funeral and it lasted for a week. Those were the longest 7 days in a funeral home ever. I wasn't sure I fully understood death or all that it entailed then, but I knew my mother was gone and I had to learn to breathe once agian and find a way to surrive with the pain that was so ever present in my heart and soul.

My life changed a lot in that year, my thoughts, my friends, my home and everything changed. It was in learning to breath that I withdrew and became more of a loner, after all I did have to find a new circle of friends after her passing. I had to learn to live in a home with a father and my brother. I had to learn how to function once again in a world that so unpredictable, where one leans on herself and not on others, because you cant't see the sands of time that are glued to the table and you do not know when someone is going to be taken from you. In all of this I learned to love wholy, be true to those friends that are around me, and be me and not who any one else wanted me to be. My father became my true hero, his words of comfort, strength and love was all I need now to get through the day to day. He taught me in the middle of all the pain that you live moment to moment, and day to day. This is what got us through that deep seeded pain when it was so raw you could cut it like a knift.

Yes, those deep cuts heal over and form a scab, it still hurts at times, yet it is in those moments  that I look back and realize that once again I am learning to breath and deal with the sads of time that are glue to the table and I have no control over how fast or slow they flow. Rather, I love those around me and be true to myself. To live my life knowing the sands of time are flowing and to hang onto the friends and family I have in my life, becasue we never know when the sand will run out. For when that happens there is no going back no more words to be said, no more love to give but a hole that we fill with time and the Love of others and God.

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