Friday, May 7, 2010

Tears are Falling.....

Death is a splendid and an horrible thing. It is often a welcome to those who are in the process of passing onto the other side. It can be a time of reflection, retrospect and true reflection of ones life and all that they have enjoyed or experienced along the path. Yet, at the same time it is a painful, and sad time for the one that is dying as well.  To inflict the pain of your loss onto them since those who love you will miss you and mourn your passing. It is a time when the dying prioritize who and what what they want to day in their last good days prior to becoming bed ridden and start the dying process.

I can remember the first few funerals that I had attended as a small child, it really didn't seem like much at the time, yet being so young and not really knowing those who had passed it was just something we had to attend with my parents. Death was there then but it was more in the shadows, not really seen and we were not really affected by it until the passing of my mother.

With the passing of my mother, death became to sink in more and more each day. I was young when she passed yet my understanding of the passing took some real time to really sink in and effect me. It was a time when our lives essentially turned upside down and there was no real warning. Yes, she was sick with Cancer and they knew she was going to pass, but it wasn't real until the night they took her to the hospital for the last tine for pain management. It was then I realized that my mother was not going to come home. She was going to die there at the hospital. My father would take us to visit her, then as she got closer and closer to death I stayed home. He and my mother didn't want us to remember her in that much pain and agony. Rather to remember her as who she was to us as an amazing mother that would do anything for her children.

Death became a time of mourning for us. It was filled with tears at home and at the funeral that was a week long back then. It was a time when pain would be reflected upon the faces of family, close friends and distant relatives who had come to our side in the passing of my mother. It was a time when sitting at home with all the food and flowers that you looked around and it just wasn't real. It was a time when there was so much of everything in the house, company, relatives, phone calls, missed school. That it all ran together for a while. But, then it sinks in that she is not coming home, that she is there in the cool cemetery, and you will never feel her breath on your face, the warm touch of her hand, or her wonderful hugs and kisses that we were showered with daily. That upon coming home from school she wouldn't be there in the in the kitchen, or in the living room with the homemade blanket upon her lap wait to hear of all our adventures from school. The home had her presence but she was so absent.  Her soul seem to be there in the house, and that we could feel her there but she was gone. I remember laying on her pillow wishing to hear her voice again and again, Wondering if she knew we were ok with dad.

That she lived in all that we did daily even though she was gone. There were tears that would flow months and years after her passing, because she is not forgotten, but a small piece of us had died that day we put her in the cemetery. A hole was dug within each of us, and within that hole is a spout of pain that tends to surface every now and then, but the pain is manageable now as an adult. It is there as a reminder and keeps her alive in all that we do in our lives as we moved on from her passing.  It is amazing how we are able to function as children and adults having gone through this trauma, but we are stronger individuals and have learned a lot from the experience.

We learn how to live daily and not always worry about what the future holds. We love truer because we know what it is like to lose a part of yourself when someone dear to you dies. We hold on to the love and true friendships that we have, because those are the ones we rely on in our deepest times of need. We are true friends no matter what, if we haven't spoke in months, nothing will change. Other then long talks to get caught up on daily life and all that has been happening around us. We form stronger ties to the family that we have, become closer to those we love and are always there for us. We hold onto to them and love them with all that we are because they have suffered in the loss that we held so dear to us. We form a circle of friends and parents friends who become more family like then just friends. We learn who we can trust and rely on and we learn to function again.

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